Man Card (noun) – the identification card every male is justified to carry because he does not lose his sac over a woman, or a chic flick, or an indefensible lack-of-sac maneuver.
Don’t get me wrong with this post. I love and respect females to the utmost. My girlfriend is a wonderful woman, I know many wonderful women, I am friends with a lot of women because they are extraordinary, very dear friends. Telling a woman you love her can be heroic. Treating your lady like a queen is commendable.
This is a post about my guy friends and acquaintances that act pathetically to the point that I am compelled to speak, verbally trounce, destroy, eviscerate (to de-sac someone), or otherwise reduce to linguistic rubble, a man that acts like he gave his balls to a woman in a nice pretty case, like those Chinese anti- carpal tunnel balls that ring while you spin them.
Because of this unfortunate wide-spread epidemic, my crew and I started talking about the concept of a man card. As in, “You just got that girl’s voicemail 3 times, and you are calling her again, give me your f***ing man card.” Or, “you are drunk texting a girl you have known one week that you love her, give me your f***ing man card”.
Get it yet? A lot of dudes still don’t. It baffles me to no end. You can’t run around pathetically catering to a woman and expect her to remain attracted to you. Loss of spine from the man = loss of sexual interest from the lady. I can’t stress this enough. Additionally, the guy becomes more and more miserable about his relationship and luck in life. He never realizes that as soon as he is clear about his feelings and desires to his lady, life will become much happier and easier for all parties (the man, the woman, and all friends that hear about the drama).
Here is a typical situation where a guy is acting over-eager about a girl, swamping her with texts and phone calls. This is a very common man card violation.
Friend who deserves man card revocation: “She hasn’t called in awhile, but she just texted me that we should talk.”
Me: “DO NOT call her.”
Friend who deserves man card revocation: “Yeah, I’m not going to. I texted her that I was busy, but I’d try to call her later.”
Me: “So now you have to call her since you said that? She didn’t even pick up the phone to call you. Regardless of the fact you texted her, don’t call her.”
Friend who deserves man card revocation: “But I didn’t call her right back, I just texted her.”
Me: “give me your f***ing man card right now.”
The man card needs to be temporarily revoked in the above situation. If the person you are dating/interested in/wanna be with/whatever hasn’t talked to you in a timely manner, and then texts that “we should talk”…who answers that? If “we should talk”, then someone should pick up the phone. The receiver of that text should not text back that they will call. Pathetic. Loss of man card, for a short term period.
Here is another man card revocation scenario. As the ladies will see, man cards are not “anti-female” or “anti-relationship”. They are about being pathetic. Read below-
Me (admittedly stirring the pot): “So, you’ve been dating her for 6 months now, I guess I owe you congratulations.”
Friend: “Yeah, hahaha, wait, what are you talking about?”
Me: “You have a girlfriend now. She finally snared you. Congrats.”
Friend: “Dude, listen to me. I do not have a girlfriend. I am way too busy to have a girlfriend.”
Me: “You aren’t dating anyone else. You spend 3 nights a week with her. You drunk text and dial her routinely. What else is left to do but announce you have a girlfriend?”
Friend: “You don’t understand. I have been very clear that I do not have time for a girlfriend.”
Me: “So you are dating other girls?”
Friend: “well no but I don’t have time, I (blah,blah,blah)”
Me: “Any Dates?”
Me: “Any numbers?”
Me: “So you have a girlfriend and you won’t admit it.”
Friend: “It’s complicated, I enjoy spending time with her, I’m just so busy, I-“
Me: “Hand it over.”
Friend: “What? What are you talking about?”
Me: “Hand over your f***ing man card.”
Not the typical man card violation, but still requires a temporary revocation. My friend is living in denial about an obvious relationship. It is pathetic, he loses his man card.
Have a backbone and self-respect. That is what entitles you to carry your man card. Furthermore, it is a never-ending source of fun and entertainment to debate your friend’s behaviors and their man card ramifications.