Airplane Manners - An Open Letter

Dear Airplane Traveler sitting at the end of my aisle,

I realize we did not introduce ourselves before the flight. I was talking to my loved ones and listening to my iPod. I am truly sorry if that offended you. However, I don't feel like that warranted your actions.

For starters, your gas is really, really noxious. Perhaps you think that since you did not make a noise when farting, it does not smell. Let me inform you that the expressions "Silent but Violent" and "Silent but Deadly" can be directly attributed to the the gas that is seeping out of you. In fact, if the expressions did not already exist, I am confident I would've been inspired to create them if I do not perish from your stench.

I'd like to recommend that you see a doctor about sleep apnea. I am not a doctor, but there has to be an explanation for that jackhammer noise coming from your nostrils while you snore in my face. If the sleep apnea mask is too much, maybe a breathe right strip across your shnoz?

Since we didn't meet pre-flight, I certainly don't expect you to know my bladder patterns. However, I would be willing to bet that anyone ordering double vodka tonics is going to need to use the restroom at least once in 3 hours. Call it a hunch.

I appreciate you taking these points into consideration on your next flight. And accept my apologies. I did not have anything in my throat. I was just clearing it repeatedly in hopes you would hear my throat clearings over your jackhammer snores and seeping gas, and then wake up, so I could use the bathroom.

Yours,
Scott