Dodgeball Tips

Summer has arrived. I know this because we are playing dodgeball. Last Thursday’s game and the pre and post-game festivities finally made summer seem like it really, truly, is here. This is a great feeling after this past Chicago winter’s suffering. But I would be negligent in my dodgeball captain duties if I didn’t offer my team a few free unsolicited tips as a 4-year dodgeball veteran.

Dodgeball Tip #1 – Drink early and often. The dodgeball arena is no place for the timid. Pre-game jitters (yes, there is such a thing even in dodgeball) might leave you meekly standing in the backcourt avoiding detection by the opposition. Grab a ball and join the fray. A few vodka lemonades before the first game will help you get in the mix.

Dodgeball Tip #2 – Don’t be a lone wolf unless your name is Peter. Often times I see my teammates running up to challenge the other team in a burst of courage. Perhaps this is because they took tip #1 a little too much to heart, and are now bursting with liquid courage. I call this being a dodgeball lone wolf. A person charges the other team, throws their ball, and then receives between 3-5 balls from all angles and speeds hurtling towards them. It is especially dramatic when the lone wolf, after completing their burst, turns and runs, back facing the opponent, towards the safety of our team. We all cringe and scream as the wolf inevitably gets pelted. When you feel the urge to attack the other team, grab a teammate so you have ground cover during your assault.

Peter is the one exception to the rule. He is 2x faster than anyone else there and gets away with it. Trust me, no one else on our team runs as fast as him. That is just Peter being Peter.

Dodgeball Tip #3 – Don’t throw pathetic cross court lobs. This tip is to prevent the further graying of my hair. I’ll be in the midst of a dodgeball battle and see this slow, wobbly ball soaring across court. The other team will break out in big smiles and sometimes even fight to make the catch. A dodgeball catch causes our team to lose a player and their team to gain a player. Do not make long high throws to the other team. Short low throws at the knees!

Dodgeball Tip #4 – Watch the damn line. Dodgeball is played on a roller rink and there is a blue line that our team cannot cross. Give yourself 2 steps distance instead of one when throwing at the other team, because line violations kill our momentum when we have the other team backed against the wall.

I bring up these tips out of team love, the request for a strategy, and the fact I screamed myself hoarse last week. We had some good games last week, but people sometime violated all 4 of these tips at once; I saw a few sober lone wolfs run right up to the line and throw a lob! If you do this, you are still welcome to play, and the summer will still be awesome. But it will be a lot cooler if we follow these tips and win the night’s tournament (and therefore free beer).